Strange Obsession with Death

I'm only 27 and already I'm preoccupied with the prospect of death. It makes sense though. I've lost a lot more people than a lot of my peers. First person close to me I lost was my grandma on my mom's side, whom I had previously seen almost daily, when I was 8 and a year later I lost my grandpa on my dad's side. In fact, before I reached 27 years old, I had lost 3 grandparents, 3 kids in my graduating class had died prior to graduation, 2 childhood friends to suicide, and probably most devastating, oddly enough, losing my dad.

When I was a teenager, I used to live in fear that my dad was going to kill us in the night. Wasn't too far out of the realm of possibility. He had tried to kill my mom a couple times in a drunken rage. I used to have nightmares where he would cut all of our throats while we slept before starting the house on fire or shoot us all. One particularly bad night, my mom made me hide the guns in the house because he had threatened to harm us with them. To this day, I don't like guns in my home and I'm not comfortable around them.
For some reason, I never thought I would live past 25. I was convinced I would die either at my father's hand or by some weird disease. I ended up living at least 2 years past it, hopefully with many more to come.

Mortality is something I am constantly aware of and it saddens me. And nothing seems to make it go away. Knowing that my dad is gone makes me realize that I am the next in line. His generation will pass, then so shall mine. Every single person I've ever met is going to die. There will come a time where they won't be in my life anymore, or perhaps they will outlive me. Either way, There will come a time when we all pass away and nothing will ever stop it.

I'm scared of death. Anyone who tells you they're not are either lying or haven't truly considered the possibility of it. We are not immortal and personally, I don't believe there is anything waiting beyond this life. Our consciousness is our brain. When we die our brain dies emitting no more thoughts, emotions, or experiences. How could there be a conscious afterlife?

I truly hope I'm wrong about the afterlife, because I would like there to be family and friends waiting for me to come to them and join them. It's a lovely idea, but it sounds like something we make up to make death seem less scary and less permanent.

I love my family and friends and hope that we all have a long and happy life together. To life.

Depressing week

This should be an exciting time for me, but it's only been depressing. I am graduating in exactly a month, yet all I feel is panic and sorrow. Panic because of all I have to do before then and the uncertainty that comes afterward. Sorrow for a number of reasons. It's almost over. I've been having fights with my mother, and once again been rejected in that shitty game of love.

I just feel repulsive and unlovable tonight. I feel like my life's about to have no direction, and I feel like I've disappointed those around me. I don't know what to do, I hate this feeling so much.

Is my brain wired differently?

I often feel like my brain is wired differently than most other people's. I've felt this way my whole life since I was a child. I have never seemed to think the same as other people. For example, in elementary school, I had a hard time making or keeping friends. I didn't have many of them and for a couple years, I had none of them. All throughout school, and even into my adult life, I've obsessed over things. Not just curious or passionate about things, but complete obsession.

Like in kindergarten when I saw someone bring in dry ice for our school's Halloween party. I became fascinated with how it bubbled over and created smoke. I went home and asked my mom how they made dry ice, and why it did that. When she didn't know, I went to the school library and asked the librarian for help. That didn't help very much, so I went home and bugged my mom about it until the we called the county library and I sat on the phone with the librarian until she looked up dry ice in the encyclopedia and read it to me over the phone. Then, I made my dad go out and buy some so I could watch it in action, and somehow convinced myself that I could create it in my sandbox because it was made out of carbon dioxide and I knew that was in the air. So I would just have to find some way to compress it.

Or in high school when I became obsessed with art. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I went to the county library and checked out every single book on art technique and art history they had and then locked myself in my bedroom that summer and practiced as much and as hard as I could.

But on top of my strange obsessions, I also notice other things that really make me think that my brain has something different about it. When I hear songs or music, there is an image created in my head that is unique to every song and usually completely independent of what the lyrics are. Born This Way by Lady Gaga is a black background with pulsating yellow light. Headstrong by Trapt is the most vivid one I've had. It's an image of a king against a red and black background sitting on a throne who falls off of it. All songs have some image attached. When I chat with someone online or talk to someone on the phone, I have an image of the person's face talking to me that is very concrete. I can usually smell things others don't, often I can smell a person's unique smell when they are across the table or room from me.

People have said I have unusual hand gestures or ways of talking. Still don't fully understand what those mean.

It has always seemed like there was something different about me than most people. I've never met anyone like me. Most have met someone like them in their lifetime or have friends say to them, "So and so reminds me of you." I don't get that.

Not sure what brought this up. Was just pondering some things today and that was among them.

Been a long time

I haven't blogged anything in here on here in a very long time. So, I figured I'd do an update. I went back to France this Summer. That was fun. Feel like my French, though not perfect still, is at a level now where I can discuss pretty much anything I want. I talked politics with my host mother. I'll try to update this more now.

Bucket List

Figured i should have a place where i record my bucket list digitally as i can always refer to it.

Places to visit for the first time:

The United Kingdom

Ireland

India

New York

Seattle

Australia

New Zealand

Montreal

Toronto

San Francisco

Germany

Places to return:

France

Italy

Washington DC

Chicago

Austria

Places now off the first time list:

France

Switzerland

Austria

Italy

Mexico

Washington DC

Chicago

Atlanta

Things to accomplish:

Finish my degree

Secure a career

Live in France again for at least 2 months

Get the hell out of Utah

Funeral in 8 hours

I can't sleep. I just keep thinking that tomorrow is my father's funeral. The past 10 years are now over. I didn't think I'd be burying a parent at 25 years old. I have so many complex emotions about this right now and I just wish I had someone to talk to, but no one is awake. He's really gone, and never coming back. on one hand it comforts me. no more fear or anger is left. only relief. on the other hand, i will never hear my dad's voice or see him look back at me again. He's gone. and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm nervous about seeing the body. What will that stir in me? What will happen to me?

Requiescat In Pace

Rest In Peace,

Kevin Larry Warner

Oct. 23, 1962 - June 18, 2011

In spite of everything, I always loved you!