Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Depressing week

This should be an exciting time for me, but it's only been depressing. I am graduating in exactly a month, yet all I feel is panic and sorrow. Panic because of all I have to do before then and the uncertainty that comes afterward. Sorrow for a number of reasons. It's almost over. I've been having fights with my mother, and once again been rejected in that shitty game of love.

I just feel repulsive and unlovable tonight. I feel like my life's about to have no direction, and I feel like I've disappointed those around me. I don't know what to do, I hate this feeling so much.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Is my brain wired differently?

I often feel like my brain is wired differently than most other people's. I've felt this way my whole life since I was a child. I have never seemed to think the same as other people. For example, in elementary school, I had a hard time making or keeping friends. I didn't have many of them and for a couple years, I had none of them. All throughout school, and even into my adult life, I've obsessed over things. Not just curious or passionate about things, but complete obsession.

Like in kindergarten when I saw someone bring in dry ice for our school's Halloween party. I became fascinated with how it bubbled over and created smoke. I went home and asked my mom how they made dry ice, and why it did that. When she didn't know, I went to the school library and asked the librarian for help. That didn't help very much, so I went home and bugged my mom about it until the we called the county library and I sat on the phone with the librarian until she looked up dry ice in the encyclopedia and read it to me over the phone. Then, I made my dad go out and buy some so I could watch it in action, and somehow convinced myself that I could create it in my sandbox because it was made out of carbon dioxide and I knew that was in the air. So I would just have to find some way to compress it.

Or in high school when I became obsessed with art. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I went to the county library and checked out every single book on art technique and art history they had and then locked myself in my bedroom that summer and practiced as much and as hard as I could.

But on top of my strange obsessions, I also notice other things that really make me think that my brain has something different about it. When I hear songs or music, there is an image created in my head that is unique to every song and usually completely independent of what the lyrics are. Born This Way by Lady Gaga is a black background with pulsating yellow light. Headstrong by Trapt is the most vivid one I've had. It's an image of a king against a red and black background sitting on a throne who falls off of it. All songs have some image attached. When I chat with someone online or talk to someone on the phone, I have an image of the person's face talking to me that is very concrete. I can usually smell things others don't, often I can smell a person's unique smell when they are across the table or room from me.

People have said I have unusual hand gestures or ways of talking. Still don't fully understand what those mean.

It has always seemed like there was something different about me than most people. I've never met anyone like me. Most have met someone like them in their lifetime or have friends say to them, "So and so reminds me of you." I don't get that.

Not sure what brought this up. Was just pondering some things today and that was among them.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Been a long time

I haven't blogged anything in here on here in a very long time. So, I figured I'd do an update. I went back to France this Summer. That was fun. Feel like my French, though not perfect still, is at a level now where I can discuss pretty much anything I want. I talked politics with my host mother. I'll try to update this more now.