Monday, December 27, 2010

Utah's culture is broken!

That's right, I'm putting this in writing. I'm sick of Utah culture and I've held my tongue at many times and tried to pretend that this all seemed so normal. But, now I've decided to just take a match to it. Really at this point in the game, I don't have much to lose. So, without further adieu: What the fuck is up with Utah?

Utah is a haven for religious zealotry, religious bigotry, sexism, blatant homophobia, latent racism, and close minded conservativism with no real thought process behind it.

In Utah, the Church is the Law. The Church must give its stamp of approval for any major legislation to pass. The Leaders of the Church speak, and the matter is no longer up for debate. It doesn't matter what they say, it doesn't matter how absurd it sounds, or how much it flies in the face of science or reason. The ecclesiastical leadership in the LDS Church particularly in Utah is nearly completely unchallenged by its members. Surely God must have chosen and be guiding each of them. This is a dangerous mentality. I personally held this belief until the day I realized that my bishop is just a man with no better judgment than anyone else. I went to my bishop I had when I left the Church, Bishop Medsker, and told him that my father was cheating on my mother, physically abusing both her and me, and mentally abusing every member of my family. He did NOTHING!!! Well, I guess that's not true, he did gossip with others in the ward what he knew. But he did nothing that would actually help us. That is not divine guidence!

And God help you if you're not a member of the Church in Utah. You will be subjected to constant efforts to convert you. You will always be on the fringes of society. You'll never penetrate the social strata. You will be an outsider.

Utah, for all the women leaders we've had in the legislature and other political officials, is a sexist paradise. Women are told both overtly and covertly that their place is in the home. They should be superwomen that should make June Cleaver look like Courtney Love. Women are not allowed to hold spiritual or temporal authority to their husbands. Women are taught that they are second fiddle to the man. They are made for man and the most important thing they can do is to get married to a worthy man and have children. They must be chaste and virginal until marriage. In marriage they should satisfy their husbands, but maintain a Victorian demure towards sex. A woman's entire identity is centered around her reproductive ability. This is said to be her greatest gift and asset.

And where there is sexism, there is homophobia. I've been nearly beaten up for being gay. I've been insulted, put down, and verbally abused for the fact that I'm gay. I've been compared to a pedophile, been called sinister and unnatural, and even compared to malicious vampire for being gay. I've personally known men and women who have had sexual relationships with members of the same sex and admited that they are gay and yet enter into marriages (often temple marriages). In what kind of fucked up culture is it better to get married and potentially destroy countless lives rather than admit that you are gay and try to live as openly and honestly as possible? I saw the suicide of a gay teenager because of the pressures and expectations in this culture, yet no one around him seemed to learn much of anything from this. It is attrocious that the second most senior member of the Church can say that homosexuality is an abomination and that you need to pray for change immediately following a string of gay suicides and I can log into Facebook a day later and see people posting things supporting this kind of biggotry. It's sad that there is a whole part of my life I have to keep private from my brother and other members of my family (all of whom know I'm gay) because it makes them uncomfortable.

In Utah, you can be racist, as long as it's not overt. I am sick of hearing jokes about Mexicans. I am sick of hearing about how "those darn illegals" are ruining things. I'm sick of hearing about how "they" should just go back to where they came from. Followed immediately by the phrase, "I don't hate them. I know plenty of them. I'm even friends with some." If you want those "damn Mexicans" gone or you feel some sort of superiority to those who are Hispanic, I have news for you, you're a racist!

Also, I still find it racist and troublesome that dark skin is considered a punishment and a mark of an evil ancestry. Also, the idea of white skinned Jews from the 7th century B.C.E. is at best absurd.

Finally, Utahns don't think for themselves. They are spoonfed every answer to life. Most Utahns I've met are staunch Republicans. Those same people have never thought out why they are Republican, can give no logical answer to it, and pretty much go along with whatever the Pary says feeling that they know best. I don't care if you're Republican. That's part of American diversity and we need to have wide diversity in our political spectrum. But for God's sake, at least have reasons for being a Republican that you have thought out by yourself.

Utah has gorgeous scenery, low crime, and is a good place to raise a family provided your family meets certain criteria. But, along with that comes a horrid culture that makes life her unbearable at times. I hate living here and can't wait for the day when I finally leave. It is not the place for a liberal-agnostic-gay-Democrat.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

10 things I have learned from Teabaggers and Republicans this year

These things I have learned are from real conversations, debates, dialogues, or real full on fights with real flesh and blood conservatives over the past year. All of these are from personal experiences I've had with them.

1: Socialism in any form is evil. Only pure capitalism will save us. We hate socialism... unless it directly benefits us, then we'll turn a blind eye to that.

2: Bitching about the debt is fun. How do we want to deal with it? Cut taxes. How will that work, you may ask? Simple. Cut the taxes but reduce spending. Where? Well, not in defence, Social Security, Medicare, or any other program.

3: "Obama, Pelosi, and crew" are completely responsible for our current economic mess. No one else. Obama single handedly doubled the National Debt in 2 years.

4: The bailouts were an awful idea and total economic collapse would have been better.

5: Facts don't matter. You can debate cold hard facts! Isn't that great? The President may be a confessed, baptized, church going Christian. But secretly, he's not. He's a Muslim and was sworn in on a Koran. And, Obama was apparently the president who signed the bailouts into law.

6: Countries that have socialized medicine hate it and don't have as good of health care. All of them wished they still had systems like ours.

7: Obama and gays are worse threats to our nation than any terrorist.

8: Torture is ok, as long as we use it to get information we want from an enemy.

9: Democrats spend money like it's going out of fashion, where conservatives are very prudent with their money, that's why the Debt doubled under the Bush Administration.

And Finally, 10: The Bush Years were great!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hello again

So I guess I didn't get to updating as often as I promised. lol. I meant to. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of Republican-Tea Party propaganda I see everywhere. For God's sake, people, if you watch Glenn Beck and take him seriously, you are a Class A moron!!! What he presents on a nightly basis is not news or even political commentary. It's right wing conspiracy theories woven together with propaganda. Conversely, people, Keith Olberman is not much better of a news source.

Ok. I'm getting off my soap box now.

For those who asked, I'm living in Ogden. I moved in late August. My family moved elsewhere. It's been interesting. I'm enjoying life on my own. At the same time, things are quiet and in a way, I miss my family.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Brief update

I am finally updating. It's been an interesting month or so. I moved, started classes, etc. I will now be updating this thing every other day or so depending on homework. Love you all.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


So, I have my computer jerry rigged to an old desktop monitor until I have money to fix or replace this laptop. It's nice to have a well functioning laptop again. Anyway, new job is ok. Work is work.

In more disturbing news, my dad went to trial the other day. I am pissed about his sentence. Keep in mind, he stole over $500,000 and fled authorities for 4 years. The man is only sentenced to 180 days in jail and 5 years probation. I feel like there is no justice.

However, my faith in justice has slightly been increased with the overturning of Proposition 8! Good day for America!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The worst moments of my life

The point of this blog was to be more honest and more revealing. I know I cannot do this without this post. I've been intentionally avoiding it, but I need to do it. So, without further adieu, the worst moments of my life:

Watching my mom in the hospital hooked up to tubes barely able to breathe and wondering if she was going to make it another few hours. She pulled through, thank God! Meanwhile, my dad was out partying and didn't know where I or my two younger sisters were the entire time.

The night my father hit me across the face so hard, it left me with a swollen lip and my mouth bleeding. He then proceeded to call me a little girl. I went to school the next day like that and no one asked. I doubt anyone knew.

The night I heard my dad threaten to (and he tried) to kill my mom and instead of trying to save my mom, I left her to die and took my sisters to my friend's house. He tried to throw her off a balcony and to choke her to death that night. He failed. I always felt guilty for leaving her. She's always told me I did right with getting my sisters out. I know I did, but I felt like a coward and still have a bit of guilt over it.

Every single time I watched my dad beat my mom. Countless nights that is what my home life consisted of.

Losing everything we had to my father's drinking. No money, very very little food, lost two houses, and worst of all, I lost my sense of security.

When my dad skipped town and I realized I had to stay strong while everyone else broke down.

November 17th 2006. The day my 9 month nervous breakdown began. I remember it because it was on the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I just sobbed uncontrolably for an entire night and day then entered a horrible depression where I drove people away and couldn't face life. During this time, I gave up my will to live. I never thought I'd be happy again.

Having to stay at a friend's house for 3 weeks because I was scared to go home to my dad. Every night wishing my mom would chose me instead of him. At the end of the 3 weeks, she chose him, and I ended up having to move back in. Later, after another tirade, I lived in our other house in West Point for seveal months with no fridge, furniture, money, or transportation. What's ironic is I felt safe and at peace there and for that time, I was happy.

These are the darkest moments of my life. There are many more, but these are the ones that still haunt me today. They don't hurt as badly as they did before and I've dealt with them as best I know how. I think given time, they will hurt less and less, but always carry a bit of a sting.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

"I'm not scared at all..."

"Pennies in a well. A million dollars in the fountain of a hotel. Fortune teller says, 'Maybe you will go to Hell.' But I'm not scared at all of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball." -Pink

I often wonder about the future. I'm scared of it really. Everything I ever thought the future would be has dematerialized. I realized a while ago, that life never really pans out the way you want it to or even plan for it to. Right now, I'm developing a 5 year plan to try to give my life direction. I wonder how much of it will come to fruition and how much will be scrapped. But, as funny as it is, I'm going to take a lesson from Pink and try not to be scared of the future. My life may end up in hell, but it may turn out better than I ever expected. All the wishing and hoping won't change it. I can plan and I can prepare, but I can't change it, not really. I can influence my future with my actions, but it's still largely out of my hands. So, I'm just going to live my life and hope for the best.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I am constantly surrounded by a never ending parade of stupidity! Today, I saw a guy with his daughter. His daughter was looking at a magazine and the magazine had a picture of the Taj Mahal in it. The daughter said, "Isn't it pretty, daddy?" And the father responded, "No, daddy hates mosques." I stared at him for a minute unsure of what to say. First I was offended by his statement of hating mosques. Second of all, I just wanted to walk over to him and say, "Listen you douche, the Taj Mahal isn't a mosque, it's a mausoleum. Since I'm sure you don't know what that is, it's a giant tomb. If you're going to be a bigot, at least know what it is you're hating."

And if you don't believe that there are stupid and crazy people all around you, I invite and encourage you to look around at all the Tea Party nutjobs around you.

Coming out of depression

I had a nice chat with the ex today. We're fine though we're not reconciling. We're being very mature about it. I miss him and love him dearly, but I have to let him go so he can become a better person, and so that I can as well.

I'm starting to slide out of this depression ironically as I'm recovering from a break up. I'm starting to feel it pass. I hope to get a job soon. That I think will really help with a lot of this feeling.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. I love you all. I truely have awesome friends.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The break up

Well, it's been an interesting day. Tried to text the ex to wish him happy birthday. (Fun breaking up right before that.) He just ignored me. It was his idea to break up, and I agreed it would be best. I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I am still hurt by him telling me to just get over being depressed and just to "quit having panic attacks" or my personal favorite he said right before calling it quits, "I can control my emotions, why can't you?" That's on par with telling a cancer patient to just get over it and my body isn't eating itself away, why is yours? I thought it was really unfair that I had to be there for all of his problems and try to understand all of them, but the second I have any problems, it's an inconvenience to him, and I just need to get over it.

Well, that's the extent of my rant about him that you'll get, because that's all I have to rant about. It was a good relationship. I gained a lot of knowledge and life experience. I felt love for the first time. We just weren't compatible enough at the end of the day. I don't regret it one bit.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Broken up

So today, my boyfriend and I split up. I've been feeling it coming for the past week or so. I think that's added to the depression. It was a fairly mutual split. As mutual as those things can be. What's weird is I'm not as bent out of shape about it as I thought I was going to be. Maybe it's because for this past week I've been anticipating what it would be like and it wasn't nearly as bad. Out of it though, I got my first love, 4 awesome months with him, and learned a lot about myself.

I'm fine. Nobody worry over me.

Happiest Moments

I don't focus enough on the positive memories I have, so here's a list of my happiest memories:

The first time I fell in love. Strangely enough, that was only 5 months ago with the man I'm currently with. It was everything everyone had ever told me it would be like and more. All the songs and the poems suddenly made sense to me.

Standing in St. Marks Square in Venice at sunset. There was a light rain shower that was a warm welcome after the hot day. My group leader took me by the hand and started dancing with me while she sang Singing in the Rain.

Seeing the Sistine Chapel Ceiling right after it's restoration.

The night I lost my virginity. I was almost 16. It happened with a friend of mine. Afterward, I remember listening to the Enya song On Your Shore and feeling like everything was new and open to me. I knew I should have felt guilty. I had had sex with a man which my religion condemned, but that night, I didn't feel it. I felt complete and deeply spiritual. Everytime I hear that song, I'm taken right back to that night.

Standing amongst a crowd of 1.5 million people as I watched the end of the Bush Administration and the innauguration of Barack Obama. That week with my friends in Washington DC was the best week of my life.

Christmas 2000. The last year that I remember having a happy Christmas with my dad. I savor the memory of that Christmas.

Summer 2000, my summer of ignorance. I felt completely carefree and happy that summer in a way I never had before. I was unaware of the problems between my parents, and was wrapped up in that moment of teenage bliss, and absolute certainty about everything that a teenager has.

Senior Cottilian Weekend. My friends and I were fighting, but for that weekend, we put asside all our differences and had a fun, drama free weekend. I don't remember sleeping more than 3 hours those 3 days.

All of these are moments I remember not feeling any sorrow, pain, or fear. These are the purest moments I have. I will treasure them forever.

Here we go

This past week, I've been feeling myself sliding back into depression. I hate the fact that I suffer from this and panic attacks. What's worse is trying to explain it to people who don't understand it. I constantly have this nagging feeling almost like a voice in my head (NOT A REAL VOICE) constantly telling me that I'm worthless or that I should give up because nothing matters. There's this overall feeling of sadness that suddenly consumes me. Medication, therapy, and mediation have helped immensely, but I still have what I guess you could call depression spells come over me periodically, usually when I go without my pills, but sometimes even when I'm on medication. I also have this feeling that everyone hates me or is talking about me when I'm depressed.

If depression were the extent of it, I think I could deal with it. But I also have anxiety. I don't just mean that I worry, I mean I panic over things that I shouldn't. There is this constant feeling of fear I always have. It's just to what extent I feel it. That has never really been controled by medicine, therapy, etc. I've had fewer of them before, but they never have gone away for very long. When I have an attack, I feel helpless. I'm scared I'm going to die, or that everything is going to be ripped away from me. When I have a really bad one, I am brought literally to my knees and usually hyperventilate and cry uncontrollably. Not many people around me have seen a bad one except my family and a few close friends. I've been lucky enough not to have one in public. Once, I had one that was so bad, the only way I could calm myself down was gnawing on the corner of a rolled up newspaper as I tried to catch my breath. I don't know why I even thought to do that, but it seemed like something that would comfort me or get some of my anxiety out. It's a weird thing, but I couldn't breathe or control myself. It was like I was running on survival instincts and that was something I had to do.

What is weird is that in the depression and in the anxiety, there is this rational part of myself that seems detached and merely observing. I look at myself and think, this isn't me. This is weird. Why are you acting like this? Get a grip? Life isn't that bad. But no matter what this rational voice says, my mind and body still continue being depressed and anxious.

So, that's a start I guess. I'll be more specific about things later on, but I wanted to get in writing what depression and anxiety feel like. I guess so that others could get a little taste of what it's like, and so I could make sense of it myself.

Until next time

Friday, July 2, 2010

A new start

I've had a few blogs before, but I never felt like any of them really reflected me. They were all essentially me spouting off essays about what I believe and speculation. Anyone reading them wouldn't have a sense of the real me. So I've decided to create an open and honest blog. I will be very blunt about myself and reveal a lot I don't usually expose to the world. This is kind of scary, but I hope it helps me continue to heal and to be a better person.

First blog will be up shortly.