This should be an exciting time for me, but it's only been depressing. I am graduating in exactly a month, yet all I feel is panic and sorrow. Panic because of all I have to do before then and the uncertainty that comes afterward. Sorrow for a number of reasons. It's almost over. I've been having fights with my mother, and once again been rejected in that shitty game of love.
I just feel repulsive and unlovable tonight. I feel like my life's about to have no direction, and I feel like I've disappointed those around me. I don't know what to do, I hate this feeling so much.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Is my brain wired differently?
I often feel like my brain is wired differently than most other people's. I've felt this way my whole life since I was a child. I have never seemed to think the same as other people. For example, in elementary school, I had a hard time making or keeping friends. I didn't have many of them and for a couple years, I had none of them. All throughout school, and even into my adult life, I've obsessed over things. Not just curious or passionate about things, but complete obsession.
Like in kindergarten when I saw someone bring in dry ice for our school's Halloween party. I became fascinated with how it bubbled over and created smoke. I went home and asked my mom how they made dry ice, and why it did that. When she didn't know, I went to the school library and asked the librarian for help. That didn't help very much, so I went home and bugged my mom about it until the we called the county library and I sat on the phone with the librarian until she looked up dry ice in the encyclopedia and read it to me over the phone. Then, I made my dad go out and buy some so I could watch it in action, and somehow convinced myself that I could create it in my sandbox because it was made out of carbon dioxide and I knew that was in the air. So I would just have to find some way to compress it.
Or in high school when I became obsessed with art. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I went to the county library and checked out every single book on art technique and art history they had and then locked myself in my bedroom that summer and practiced as much and as hard as I could.
But on top of my strange obsessions, I also notice other things that really make me think that my brain has something different about it. When I hear songs or music, there is an image created in my head that is unique to every song and usually completely independent of what the lyrics are. Born This Way by Lady Gaga is a black background with pulsating yellow light. Headstrong by Trapt is the most vivid one I've had. It's an image of a king against a red and black background sitting on a throne who falls off of it. All songs have some image attached. When I chat with someone online or talk to someone on the phone, I have an image of the person's face talking to me that is very concrete. I can usually smell things others don't, often I can smell a person's unique smell when they are across the table or room from me.
People have said I have unusual hand gestures or ways of talking. Still don't fully understand what those mean.
It has always seemed like there was something different about me than most people. I've never met anyone like me. Most have met someone like them in their lifetime or have friends say to them, "So and so reminds me of you." I don't get that.
Not sure what brought this up. Was just pondering some things today and that was among them.
Like in kindergarten when I saw someone bring in dry ice for our school's Halloween party. I became fascinated with how it bubbled over and created smoke. I went home and asked my mom how they made dry ice, and why it did that. When she didn't know, I went to the school library and asked the librarian for help. That didn't help very much, so I went home and bugged my mom about it until the we called the county library and I sat on the phone with the librarian until she looked up dry ice in the encyclopedia and read it to me over the phone. Then, I made my dad go out and buy some so I could watch it in action, and somehow convinced myself that I could create it in my sandbox because it was made out of carbon dioxide and I knew that was in the air. So I would just have to find some way to compress it.
Or in high school when I became obsessed with art. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I went to the county library and checked out every single book on art technique and art history they had and then locked myself in my bedroom that summer and practiced as much and as hard as I could.
But on top of my strange obsessions, I also notice other things that really make me think that my brain has something different about it. When I hear songs or music, there is an image created in my head that is unique to every song and usually completely independent of what the lyrics are. Born This Way by Lady Gaga is a black background with pulsating yellow light. Headstrong by Trapt is the most vivid one I've had. It's an image of a king against a red and black background sitting on a throne who falls off of it. All songs have some image attached. When I chat with someone online or talk to someone on the phone, I have an image of the person's face talking to me that is very concrete. I can usually smell things others don't, often I can smell a person's unique smell when they are across the table or room from me.
People have said I have unusual hand gestures or ways of talking. Still don't fully understand what those mean.
It has always seemed like there was something different about me than most people. I've never met anyone like me. Most have met someone like them in their lifetime or have friends say to them, "So and so reminds me of you." I don't get that.
Not sure what brought this up. Was just pondering some things today and that was among them.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Been a long time
I haven't blogged anything in here on here in a very long time. So, I figured I'd do an update. I went back to France this Summer. That was fun. Feel like my French, though not perfect still, is at a level now where I can discuss pretty much anything I want. I talked politics with my host mother. I'll try to update this more now.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Bucket List
Figured i should have a place where i record my bucket list digitally as i can always refer to it.
Places to visit for the first time:
The United Kingdom
Ireland
India
New York
Seattle
Australia
New Zealand
Montreal
Toronto
San Francisco
Germany
Places to return:
France
Italy
Washington DC
Chicago
Austria
Places now off the first time list:
France
Switzerland
Austria
Italy
Mexico
Washington DC
Chicago
Atlanta
Things to accomplish:
Finish my degree
Secure a career
Live in France again for at least 2 months
Get the hell out of Utah
Places to visit for the first time:
The United Kingdom
Ireland
India
New York
Seattle
Australia
New Zealand
Montreal
Toronto
San Francisco
Germany
Places to return:
France
Italy
Washington DC
Chicago
Austria
Places now off the first time list:
France
Switzerland
Austria
Italy
Mexico
Washington DC
Chicago
Atlanta
Things to accomplish:
Finish my degree
Secure a career
Live in France again for at least 2 months
Get the hell out of Utah
Friday, June 24, 2011
Funeral in 8 hours
I can't sleep. I just keep thinking that tomorrow is my father's funeral. The past 10 years are now over. I didn't think I'd be burying a parent at 25 years old. I have so many complex emotions about this right now and I just wish I had someone to talk to, but no one is awake. He's really gone, and never coming back. on one hand it comforts me. no more fear or anger is left. only relief. on the other hand, i will never hear my dad's voice or see him look back at me again. He's gone. and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm nervous about seeing the body. What will that stir in me? What will happen to me?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Requiescat In Pace
Rest In Peace,
Kevin Larry Warner
Oct. 23, 1962 - June 18, 2011
In spite of everything, I always loved you!
Kevin Larry Warner
Oct. 23, 1962 - June 18, 2011
In spite of everything, I always loved you!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Utah's culture is broken!
That's right, I'm putting this in writing. I'm sick of Utah culture and I've held my tongue at many times and tried to pretend that this all seemed so normal. But, now I've decided to just take a match to it. Really at this point in the game, I don't have much to lose. So, without further adieu: What the fuck is up with Utah?
Utah is a haven for religious zealotry, religious bigotry, sexism, blatant homophobia, latent racism, and close minded conservativism with no real thought process behind it.
In Utah, the Church is the Law. The Church must give its stamp of approval for any major legislation to pass. The Leaders of the Church speak, and the matter is no longer up for debate. It doesn't matter what they say, it doesn't matter how absurd it sounds, or how much it flies in the face of science or reason. The ecclesiastical leadership in the LDS Church particularly in Utah is nearly completely unchallenged by its members. Surely God must have chosen and be guiding each of them. This is a dangerous mentality. I personally held this belief until the day I realized that my bishop is just a man with no better judgment than anyone else. I went to my bishop I had when I left the Church, Bishop Medsker, and told him that my father was cheating on my mother, physically abusing both her and me, and mentally abusing every member of my family. He did NOTHING!!! Well, I guess that's not true, he did gossip with others in the ward what he knew. But he did nothing that would actually help us. That is not divine guidence!
And God help you if you're not a member of the Church in Utah. You will be subjected to constant efforts to convert you. You will always be on the fringes of society. You'll never penetrate the social strata. You will be an outsider.
Utah, for all the women leaders we've had in the legislature and other political officials, is a sexist paradise. Women are told both overtly and covertly that their place is in the home. They should be superwomen that should make June Cleaver look like Courtney Love. Women are not allowed to hold spiritual or temporal authority to their husbands. Women are taught that they are second fiddle to the man. They are made for man and the most important thing they can do is to get married to a worthy man and have children. They must be chaste and virginal until marriage. In marriage they should satisfy their husbands, but maintain a Victorian demure towards sex. A woman's entire identity is centered around her reproductive ability. This is said to be her greatest gift and asset.
And where there is sexism, there is homophobia. I've been nearly beaten up for being gay. I've been insulted, put down, and verbally abused for the fact that I'm gay. I've been compared to a pedophile, been called sinister and unnatural, and even compared to malicious vampire for being gay. I've personally known men and women who have had sexual relationships with members of the same sex and admited that they are gay and yet enter into marriages (often temple marriages). In what kind of fucked up culture is it better to get married and potentially destroy countless lives rather than admit that you are gay and try to live as openly and honestly as possible? I saw the suicide of a gay teenager because of the pressures and expectations in this culture, yet no one around him seemed to learn much of anything from this. It is attrocious that the second most senior member of the Church can say that homosexuality is an abomination and that you need to pray for change immediately following a string of gay suicides and I can log into Facebook a day later and see people posting things supporting this kind of biggotry. It's sad that there is a whole part of my life I have to keep private from my brother and other members of my family (all of whom know I'm gay) because it makes them uncomfortable.
In Utah, you can be racist, as long as it's not overt. I am sick of hearing jokes about Mexicans. I am sick of hearing about how "those darn illegals" are ruining things. I'm sick of hearing about how "they" should just go back to where they came from. Followed immediately by the phrase, "I don't hate them. I know plenty of them. I'm even friends with some." If you want those "damn Mexicans" gone or you feel some sort of superiority to those who are Hispanic, I have news for you, you're a racist!
Also, I still find it racist and troublesome that dark skin is considered a punishment and a mark of an evil ancestry. Also, the idea of white skinned Jews from the 7th century B.C.E. is at best absurd.
Finally, Utahns don't think for themselves. They are spoonfed every answer to life. Most Utahns I've met are staunch Republicans. Those same people have never thought out why they are Republican, can give no logical answer to it, and pretty much go along with whatever the Pary says feeling that they know best. I don't care if you're Republican. That's part of American diversity and we need to have wide diversity in our political spectrum. But for God's sake, at least have reasons for being a Republican that you have thought out by yourself.
Utah has gorgeous scenery, low crime, and is a good place to raise a family provided your family meets certain criteria. But, along with that comes a horrid culture that makes life her unbearable at times. I hate living here and can't wait for the day when I finally leave. It is not the place for a liberal-agnostic-gay-Democrat.
Utah is a haven for religious zealotry, religious bigotry, sexism, blatant homophobia, latent racism, and close minded conservativism with no real thought process behind it.
In Utah, the Church is the Law. The Church must give its stamp of approval for any major legislation to pass. The Leaders of the Church speak, and the matter is no longer up for debate. It doesn't matter what they say, it doesn't matter how absurd it sounds, or how much it flies in the face of science or reason. The ecclesiastical leadership in the LDS Church particularly in Utah is nearly completely unchallenged by its members. Surely God must have chosen and be guiding each of them. This is a dangerous mentality. I personally held this belief until the day I realized that my bishop is just a man with no better judgment than anyone else. I went to my bishop I had when I left the Church, Bishop Medsker, and told him that my father was cheating on my mother, physically abusing both her and me, and mentally abusing every member of my family. He did NOTHING!!! Well, I guess that's not true, he did gossip with others in the ward what he knew. But he did nothing that would actually help us. That is not divine guidence!
And God help you if you're not a member of the Church in Utah. You will be subjected to constant efforts to convert you. You will always be on the fringes of society. You'll never penetrate the social strata. You will be an outsider.
Utah, for all the women leaders we've had in the legislature and other political officials, is a sexist paradise. Women are told both overtly and covertly that their place is in the home. They should be superwomen that should make June Cleaver look like Courtney Love. Women are not allowed to hold spiritual or temporal authority to their husbands. Women are taught that they are second fiddle to the man. They are made for man and the most important thing they can do is to get married to a worthy man and have children. They must be chaste and virginal until marriage. In marriage they should satisfy their husbands, but maintain a Victorian demure towards sex. A woman's entire identity is centered around her reproductive ability. This is said to be her greatest gift and asset.
And where there is sexism, there is homophobia. I've been nearly beaten up for being gay. I've been insulted, put down, and verbally abused for the fact that I'm gay. I've been compared to a pedophile, been called sinister and unnatural, and even compared to malicious vampire for being gay. I've personally known men and women who have had sexual relationships with members of the same sex and admited that they are gay and yet enter into marriages (often temple marriages). In what kind of fucked up culture is it better to get married and potentially destroy countless lives rather than admit that you are gay and try to live as openly and honestly as possible? I saw the suicide of a gay teenager because of the pressures and expectations in this culture, yet no one around him seemed to learn much of anything from this. It is attrocious that the second most senior member of the Church can say that homosexuality is an abomination and that you need to pray for change immediately following a string of gay suicides and I can log into Facebook a day later and see people posting things supporting this kind of biggotry. It's sad that there is a whole part of my life I have to keep private from my brother and other members of my family (all of whom know I'm gay) because it makes them uncomfortable.
In Utah, you can be racist, as long as it's not overt. I am sick of hearing jokes about Mexicans. I am sick of hearing about how "those darn illegals" are ruining things. I'm sick of hearing about how "they" should just go back to where they came from. Followed immediately by the phrase, "I don't hate them. I know plenty of them. I'm even friends with some." If you want those "damn Mexicans" gone or you feel some sort of superiority to those who are Hispanic, I have news for you, you're a racist!
Also, I still find it racist and troublesome that dark skin is considered a punishment and a mark of an evil ancestry. Also, the idea of white skinned Jews from the 7th century B.C.E. is at best absurd.
Finally, Utahns don't think for themselves. They are spoonfed every answer to life. Most Utahns I've met are staunch Republicans. Those same people have never thought out why they are Republican, can give no logical answer to it, and pretty much go along with whatever the Pary says feeling that they know best. I don't care if you're Republican. That's part of American diversity and we need to have wide diversity in our political spectrum. But for God's sake, at least have reasons for being a Republican that you have thought out by yourself.
Utah has gorgeous scenery, low crime, and is a good place to raise a family provided your family meets certain criteria. But, along with that comes a horrid culture that makes life her unbearable at times. I hate living here and can't wait for the day when I finally leave. It is not the place for a liberal-agnostic-gay-Democrat.
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