Saturday, July 3, 2010

Here we go

This past week, I've been feeling myself sliding back into depression. I hate the fact that I suffer from this and panic attacks. What's worse is trying to explain it to people who don't understand it. I constantly have this nagging feeling almost like a voice in my head (NOT A REAL VOICE) constantly telling me that I'm worthless or that I should give up because nothing matters. There's this overall feeling of sadness that suddenly consumes me. Medication, therapy, and mediation have helped immensely, but I still have what I guess you could call depression spells come over me periodically, usually when I go without my pills, but sometimes even when I'm on medication. I also have this feeling that everyone hates me or is talking about me when I'm depressed.

If depression were the extent of it, I think I could deal with it. But I also have anxiety. I don't just mean that I worry, I mean I panic over things that I shouldn't. There is this constant feeling of fear I always have. It's just to what extent I feel it. That has never really been controled by medicine, therapy, etc. I've had fewer of them before, but they never have gone away for very long. When I have an attack, I feel helpless. I'm scared I'm going to die, or that everything is going to be ripped away from me. When I have a really bad one, I am brought literally to my knees and usually hyperventilate and cry uncontrollably. Not many people around me have seen a bad one except my family and a few close friends. I've been lucky enough not to have one in public. Once, I had one that was so bad, the only way I could calm myself down was gnawing on the corner of a rolled up newspaper as I tried to catch my breath. I don't know why I even thought to do that, but it seemed like something that would comfort me or get some of my anxiety out. It's a weird thing, but I couldn't breathe or control myself. It was like I was running on survival instincts and that was something I had to do.

What is weird is that in the depression and in the anxiety, there is this rational part of myself that seems detached and merely observing. I look at myself and think, this isn't me. This is weird. Why are you acting like this? Get a grip? Life isn't that bad. But no matter what this rational voice says, my mind and body still continue being depressed and anxious.

So, that's a start I guess. I'll be more specific about things later on, but I wanted to get in writing what depression and anxiety feel like. I guess so that others could get a little taste of what it's like, and so I could make sense of it myself.

Until next time

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